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Our story of the first kiss we had. If you don’t want to read the introductory stuff, you can just scroll to the bottom and read the part about the actual day of the first kiss. It says FIRST KISS in big letters.

I can remember it like it was yesterday. The first kiss…what an amazing night. I would be a liar, however, if I claimed that I saw it coming. For even until the moment that it actually happened, I didn't think it would. After all, this was the girl, who, moments earlier, I had talked to about NOT dating. It would ruin our friendship, we thought. We aren't ready for this type of a relationship, we rationalized. We still have walls and barriers that we have put up is what we told ourselves. But then something changed. Something big, something that we still can't explain, except apart from God. Here is the story…

I had been hanging out with Christi for about three months. I had met her the previous school year, but didn't really think that anything would happen between us. That is, until she appeared in my apartment the next year, waiting to see one of my roommates. I began talking to her, remembering her from the year before, and wanting to ask her about some of the things that we had talked about. Though I didn't get a chance that day, or even for a few weeks, that would eventually be something that would bring us closer together. But that night, I just talked to her, touched base, and let her remember who I was, and I thought maybe I could put the smallest spark of interest in her heart. To my dismay, that didn't happen. In fact, she didn't even notice that I tried! So much for my charm, I thought. I ended up hanging out with her a couple more times, but realized that my efforts were in vain, as I could see that her interests were with another guy. (Later, I found out that some of the times that we would hang out, one time in particular; she was actually trying to set me up with one of her friends. At the time, I had a hunch that her friend had a thing for me, but I was not interested.) Being the gracious loser, I decided that I didn’t like her that much anyway, and so it was no big loss.

A couple of weeks passed, and I still had this trickle of a thought in my mind of this girl whose company I had enjoyed not so long ago. It was this thought in my mind that made my heart jump the day I saw her in the cafeteria, and decided to talk to her. We made some small talk, about how things were going, and how she was doing, and how we hadn't talked in a while. Then, a sweet sentence came from her lips, one that I will never forget, one that started everything. "Don't lose my number", she said. "Don't lose her number," I thought, as her extension, 3253 rung in my mind as if I had been dialing it daily. I said I wouldn't, and knew that later that night, she would be receiving a phone call.

As I had planned, I did end up calling her that night. What I had not planned is to talk to her for three hours. I had figured on a quick "hello", a "how was your day", and a little small talk about the goings-on at school. I was not at all disappointed when the conversation turned serious and we got to know each other a little better. I was able to ask her about some of the stuff that we had discussed the year before, the first time I met her, and I was amazed to see how far she had come since then. From that conversation stemmed many more, and for the next three months I spent more time with her than anyone else, and talked to her daily about anything and everything. In short, she had become my best friend.

We hadn't really discussed dating, it just didn't seem to be something that needed to be talked about in an actual conversation, and I think we both felt that things would just work themselves out. It wasn't always that way, in fact, for the first few weeks that we hung out, I was intent on finding the time to tell her how I felt about her, try to find out what she was thinking, and possibly ask her on a more intimate "date", with just the two of us going out with the pre-arranged purpose of it being a date. We always went out together, just the two of us, but it needed to be something different, something that would be set aside as a date, where we both knew that it was for the purpose of beginning a relationship beyond our friendship. I considered it a lot, whether or not I should talk to her, how I should bring it up, what I would say, and finally, I came to some conclusions. The first conclusion was that I really did enjoy just hanging out with her. If I never did anything else with this girl besides hang out with her and talk to her and laugh with her, it would be enough. The second conclusion that I came to was that if I did bring it up, there was the possibility of ruining what we already had. She had given me no signs to the affirmative or negative that she was interested, so basically I would be blindly going into a situation and I wasn't sure how it would end up. What in the world was I to do? There were many, many nights of discussion with my roommate Andy, who offered more then enough support to keep me wanting to ask her, and still, I could figure nothing out. Finally, the third conclusion that I came to was that if she was still hanging out with me, after so long, she must be interested at least somewhat.

Andy's girlfriend Mel was coming up the following weekend. Earlier in the year she had come up, and I had ended up hanging out with just the two of them, which is always an awkward situation, feeling like the third wheel. So Andy suggested that me, Christi, Mel and him all go out and do something. I thought this was a great idea, because it could be taken as just going out as friends, if that’s what she wanted, or it could be taken as a date, if that is what she wanted. Either way, I win. If she were to go only if we agreed it would be just as friends, then I would naturally agree with her, that it was all I was thinking. If she thought that it was a date, then so would I. I figured there was nothing that could go wrong. Whoops.

I remembered only hours after talking to Andy that the next weekend just wasn’t going to work out for Christi. She was going to be babysitting for a couple in the area that was going to be out of town, and they had asked her to stay at their house. That being the case, Friday night plans were out of the question. I told Andy this, and of course he was disappointed, but not nearly as disappointed as I was. Oh well, I thought, another time.

You can imagine my bittersweet sorrow the day she told me that the people had cancelled and didn't need her. You might even ask why it was bittersweet, and not simply joyous. The fact was, I knew that Christi could really have used the money that she would have made that week babysitting for those people, so in that sense, I felt her pain. But, I was also rejoicing inside, because I remembered almost instantaneously that Andy and I were planning on doing something that weekend and this job that was now cancelled was the only thing holding us back. Things were falling into place like I never expected. "Now must be a pretty good time after all!" I told myself. So I immediately told Andy, and we decided that we would go and see a movie, and then end up at the cliffs, which was a nice spot on the rocks overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. It would be a nice time to talk, and just hang out next to the beautiful waters on a warm night.

Later that night, I asked Christi what she thought about the plans. I was ecstatic when she said that it would sounded great, but confused when she asked me whose idea it was. "Was this Andy's idea, or yours?" she asked. I didn't really remember who came up with it first, so I told her that it was sort of both, which in reality it was. I didn't understand the purpose of the question, and I didn't know how to take the fact that she asked. Did she want to go? Did she not want to go, but was being nice? Did she think it was a bad idea cause it was a date? Did she not want to date? Was she trying to see if it was my idea, so that she could see if I was interested in her? Unfortunately, these questions weren't answered, but the conversation just moved on smoothly and so I figured it was nothing. I was convinced that nothing could go wrong. Whoops.

I have to admit; I was wondering what exactly this thing was that we were getting ourselves into. Even though Andy and I were the ones who had made the plans, I didn't really know if I was to assume this was a date, or assume we were just going as friends. So, I tried to assume nothing, which only made me wonder more what she was thinking. How did she view this coming Friday night? I just didn't know. She was giving me no signs.

Thursday night came around, and I was excited as ever. That week, we were both somewhat busy, and so our time together was limited, but we still managed to find time to talk every night. I had called her to remind her about Friday, and she seemed as excited as I was. She had told me that she wanted to meet Mel anyway, because in hanging out with me all the time she had also become friends with Andy. I felt good going to bed Thursday night, because she sounded excited on the phone, and when I asked her if she remembered, she said "how could I forget." That was a good sign, wasn't it? I was convinced that from this point on, nothing could go wrong. Things were going to be fine, we were going to go out, if I was lucky, she may even consider it a date, but if she didn't, who cares, cause it would be a fun night. Whoops.

Friday morning I woke up even more excited than I was Thursday night at bedtime. Only by the grace of God did I not run around like a fool all day trying to contain my excitement. Classes were on the back burner for the day, cause I had one thing on my mind: that night. I got back to my room about 4:30; out of breath from walking too fast back from class and up the hill. Andy wasn't back in the room yet; he was still at the gym. I went immediately to the phone, to check the messages. "One new message", the voice at the other end replied. I wondered who it could be from, figuring it was Christi just checking about tonight. I was right, it was Christi.

She spoke rather quickly in the message, almost seeming to force a happy tone, that she was cool with everything, that it was all going to work out. She was talking about going to a Halloween party that night, and how some of her friends had wanted to go, and get dressed up, and how much fun that would be. She said that probably what she would do was go to the movies with us, and then skip out on the cliffs and go to the party at the end of the movie. I was not happy about this, so I immediately called her up.

"Hi, is Christi there"

"This is me" Christi answered.

"Hey, what's up dude" I said, trying to sound normal replying with my customary slang.

"Did you get my message?" she asked. Again, I thought I heard the forced tone, the sound of trying to pretend that you didn't think that what you were doing was a big deal.

"Yeah", I said, with obvious disappointment in my voice.

"You're not happy about it are you." She said flatly.

"No, I'm really not" I replied to her.

"Why?" she asked. "Is the cliffs really that big a deal?"

Well, it wasn't that the cliffs were really that big a deal, I mean, it only sort of was. It was a place where in the previous two years Andy and I had gone to numerous times, and that year we had yet to go. Sure, we'd survive not going, but we had looked forward to it cause it was somewhat of a special place to us. More than that, though, she said she would come, and now wasn't going to, and probably for the most part I was just disappointed. So, we discussed what was going on, and I said that it really didn't matter that much (with only the slightest hint of sarcasm in my voice) and to think about it and call me when she made a decision. I hung up disgusted, and so did she. What I found out later is that she ran down the hall, went into a friend's room, and started yelling because she was so angry. She didn't know why, really, and most likely it was because she was mad at herself for doing something that would make me mad and hurt, at least, that was her words. She felt she was just angry that we had gotten into an argument over something so stupid. One of her friends in the room said to her "you know you don't really get mad at people that you don't care about." That may have been exactly what it was.

I got the call about an hour later, and it was Christi again, attempting a plea one more time to see if I wanted to go to the party. I didn't. In fact, I had just thought earlier that day that I was glad that I had something else to do, so I didn't just sit around, because I knew the party was going to be stupid. Not that I had a problem with parties, but this one was going to be different, with lots of people who didn't normally go to parties getting dressed up, happy, giddy, and then drunk. That scenario was just not appealing to me, so I had decided not to go. I had made up my mind to tell her that it didn't really matter all that much, I didn't think she was a jerk, but my roommates would. But then again, I was not going to deny it if they started telling me that she was. I wasn't going to tell them that she was a jerk, but I wasn't going to disagree with them either if they brought it up. I don’t know whether she caught all that, I tried to be subtle, but that was basically my gist. Being mean to her was something I hadn't mastered, (and even to this day, just can't get right) and so I tried my hardest, but it was probably not even noticeable. It didn't really matter in the long run anyway, because this is what prompted our first discussion of dating.

She was honest with me, telling me that she wasn't sure what to think about the situation that night, whether it was a date, or if it was just a friendly night out. She said that she didn’t know if that was what she wanted, and wasn't sure what I was thinking. She said that she felt awkward about the whole situation, because it was VERY much like a date, (no kidding, I thought to myself) and the only reason she felt weird because it was planned. It wasn't like one of our little spontaneous trips to Denny's or Dunkin Donuts. This was different…it was planned like a date. I didn't know exactly how to reply to all this, so I told her what I thought.

I told her that I didn't really know how to think of tonight. On one hand, yes, I wanted it to be a date. But on the other hand, I didn't. And the fact was, I would not try anything if she didn't want to do it, and all it would really be was two friends going out with a couple, so it didn't have to be a big deal. I didn't know if she believed me about all that, but it was true, so I hoped she did.

Her reply to me was basically exactly what I was thinking. So exact, in fact, that I could have sworn I was talking to myself. She said to me, "Jeremy, I consider you my best guy friend here. Maybe even my best friend. I don’t to ruin that by rushing into a dating situation with you, I don't want to ruin it by following my desires. For right now, I'd just rather keep it platonic between us." Wow, I thought. We are on the exact same page with that one. I told her that I agreed, and that I too would so much rather be her friend than to date her and ruin that friendship. I did consider her my best friend, and I was serious. Dating her was NOT worth it if it was to ruin our friendship.

I felt kind of bad about being mean to her, (as I still do every time that I am even slightly mean), even if it was hardly noticeable, now that I understood what she was feeling. So I told her that it really wasn't worth her coming to the movie and then rushing to the party, so I'd try to find someone else to go with me to the movies and it wouldn't be a big deal. I even told her that I'd convince my roommates that she wasn't a jerk, and that she had good reason for what appeared to be selling out. She had a football game to go to that night for Young Life, and we decided that if I couldn’t find anyone else to go, she would come with me to the movie. But if I could find someone else, then I would go with her to the football game, and then we'd depart for the night. Well, I didn't find anybody to go with me. The people I called weren't home. But I knew that Christi would rather go to the party, and so I told her that I found someone else to go with me (she didn't find out until much later that I actually hadn't found anyone to go with, but I just wanted her to be happy). I went to the football game with her, and we really did have a good time. Afterwards, as I was leaving her at her dorm, I told her once again that I would convince my roommates that she wasn’t a jerk. She looked at me with her gorgeous brown eyes that always make my heart melt, and smiled and said "you're my best friend". Me, being the smooth talker that I am, got lost in those eyes, and could only reply with "thanks". She smiled, and went inside, and I turned and walked away, still in a daze from those amazing eyes. About two seconds later, I snapped out of it, and thought about what had just happened. Idiot! I thought to myself. She had told me I was her best friend, and I just replied with "thanks". What a fool! I knew what I had to do. I got back to my room, and called her right up. Naturally, she wasn't expecting a call from me, but it wasn't weird that I had called. We were always calling at weird times, like five to ten minutes after we just left each other. When she found out what I had called about, simply to tell her that she was my best friend too, I could hear her smile. She replied to me in the same way, in a voice of delight, with "You really are my best friend." Wow, what a thought. Exactly what I wanted, and I wasn't even looking for it! I was definitely enjoying this friendship.

So dating was discussed, we knew where we stood, and we just got on being friends. Well, sort of. Our friendship was the same, but some things were now added to it, such as a little running joke between the two of us. We had talked about how a couple of people in our school were probably dating and that it was weird to think of them making out. We had no idea if they were actually dating, but we just assumed they were. I said that it was exactly what people said about us, that we must be dating and we must make out. I revealed to her that every time I entered my apartment after hanging out with her my roommates asked me if I had kissed her yet, to which I always replied "nope". She said she understood that it was probably more difficult for me to be totally platonic with her, because guys just talk about that stuff, and so I would naturally have to put up with more ridicule for keeping it that way. I assured her I didn't mind, which I didn't, but the fact still remained that they did ask everyday. So, possibly eager to amuse everyone else who believed we already were, or possibly just because we are stupid, we began to joke about making out. I would call her, and instead of inviting her over as I used to, I would ask if she wanted to "come over and make out". We would go places together, indicating to my roommates before we left the room that we were simply "going to make out", and shut the door at that, leaving them no room to question. As one can imagine, this joking didn't go on long. How could it? All we were doing was putting those thoughts into our minds that we didn't really want to be there…after all, hadn't we said we weren't going to date?

The conversation to end these jokes came up after I had stayed up late with her in her room (after our open dorm hours) to watch a movie with her and her roommate. It was the first night where we had really been affectionate with each other, sitting together on her sofa, her head in my lap, and my arm around her playing with her hair and rubbing her arm. Before that, we hardly ever touched each other; accept for the occasional back massage, or the times when I would play with her hair. Even hugging was a rarity, except the few times when I would hug her before we would depart each other's company for the evening. There was no question that we were close, that we talked about everything and that we felt totally comfortable around each other. It was just that affection was never shown in that way. So sitting together on the sofa…I don’t know what it was, but something about it was just beautiful.

I ended up going to bed pretty late after watching the movie, and so I didn't call her the next day until about 12:30, when I woke up. She said something about getting out of the shower, and my natural reply was to make some sort of joke about making out. Her reaction to that, however, I did not expect. "Alright," she said in her natural snappy tone that I have grown to love, "we need to either make out or not make out, but we need to stop joking about it". I, not really thinking, replied quite rapidly "oh yeah, that’s a tough decision", with only a hint of sarcasm in my voice. Not understanding my reply, she asked me what I thought about it. I was quick to answer happily "let's do it then!" Needless to say, I was a bit embarrassed when she replied, "well, that’s not what I thought you'd say". Whoops. I asked her what she was thinking, (which, I have come to learn, is the first step, and then give your opinion. That way, you don't stick your foot in your mouth, and you can be on the same page) and she revealed to me all that was on her mind. She asked me if I thought it would be weird, even the slightest bit, if we kissed. "Honestly," I said, "I can't imagine anything more awesome than kissing my best friend". And I couldn't, but I also understood her point. After all, we had been friends, buds, pals for so long, that to kiss, well…it just didn't seem right. What if we ruined our friendship that we had already? Was it really worth it? We both decided that it wasn't, and then we just got on being friends. Well, sort of. From that point on, the issue of dating was really out in the open, and it was discussed more than ever.

During this time of discussing the relationship, it shouldn't have come as a surprise to us that people started talking, asking us if we were dating or wondering if we had kissed yet, but it did nonetheless. At a small Christian College, two people spending the majority of their waking hours together is cause for much talk and gossip. (Not that it should be, but that's just the way it is). We were able to deal with the questioning, because it was never really directed at us. If people wanted to talk, let them talk. We knew what was going on. Well, we thought we did. Christi told me sometime later, after we started dating that it was about this time that the song "Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon came out, and her roommate had told her that it was perfect for Christi. The lyrics, "He's everything you want, He's everything you need, He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be. He says all the right things, at exactly the right time, but he means nothing to you and you don't know why" seemed to be exactly how Christi felt about me. Someone had asked her, if you had to marry one person right now, who would it be, and she said without hesitation, "Jeremy". She trusted me, and she didn't mind saying that I was a person she could see herself with. But she just couldn't understand why she didn’t like me enough to start a relationship with me. It actually made her mad, sometimes, because she saw so much how she wanted to like me, but she couldn't figure out why she didn't. I on the other hand, knew that I liked Christi, but was just sort of going with the flow, because she was an awesome friend, and I didn’t want to lose that. It was just not worth it.

A couple of weeks passed by since that night before Halloween when we first discussed dating. We continued to hang out, and our friendship was extremely tight. Being at college, work began to pile up as we neared the last couple of months of the semester. Christi had a couple of huge papers to write, and so she was bogged down with work. As is always the case with Christi, however, she procrastinated enough so that she had exactly two days to write about 20 pages of paper. The first night, she went to the IBM lab in the library, and began to type her papers. Unfortunately, the IBM lab closes at 12 o'clock, so she saved her paper as a text file and went over to the Mac lab to work there. She typed until about 2, and realized that it was a losing battle and went to bed. The next night, she again went to the IBM lab. She was working pretty hard between writing me emails, and I don’t really remember what I was doing, except that I remember waiting to bring her coffee, so that I could see her. It was probably about 10 o'clock when I headed down to the lab to bring her the liquid that would hopefully keep her awake.

As I got there, I noticed that she had not made that much progress and she would be up quite late, which of course meant that she would again have to transfer her file to the Mac Computers. It suddenly occurred to me that we were quite stupid, because I had an IBM computer in my room the whole time that I didn't really need to use, and she was more than welcome to use it. So, at about 10:30 at night I offered it to her for the night. Now, technically our open dorm ends at 11 O'clock. But, since this was a good cause, I figured it would be worth breaking for the night and letting her type her paper. I told her that my roommate and I would probably go to bed, but she could just type as long as she wanted. I went back to my room, asked if it was okay, which it was, and invited her again when she called me. We had a pullout sofa in the main room of our apartment, and I figured that since she was going to be there pretty late, she could just pull out the sofa and sleep there, and get up early and finish again if she wanted. She thought this was a good idea, and she came over about 1 in the morning.

She sat down at the computer alright, and I sat down next to her. We played around with it for awhile, and then she decided to start doing her paper. Andy and I were going to bed, and we each layed in our beds on opposite sides of the room. As I was lying down to go to sleep, Christi said to me, "hey, you want to make out before you go to bed?" Knowing that she was joking, I made some reply back to her. Andy was sitting in the room at this time, and he seemed pretty surprised when he heard us talking about it. Up to this point, he had not realized that we had actually discussed dating and kissing and things and so he just thought that I was being stiff and wasn't asking her out cause I was afraid. His reply to this conversation was "Why don't you two just do it and get it over with then!" (referring to going out).

Christi provided an only somewhat good reason why we weren't dating, and that’s when it started. Andy ended up talking to Christi, about me, with me sitting right there, until 4:30 in the morning. Christi's argument is "I don’t want to ruin the friendship by dating him", and Andy's argument was "you don't want to limit the friendship by not dating!" I had to agree with Andy on that one. He suggested that if Christi and I wanted to get closer as friends, we should pray with eachother. I agreed, and told Christi that before I ever kissed her I wanted to pray with her.

Well, Christi didn't get her work done that night, which stunk but what can you do, and she decided to go to bed when the conversation was over. Originally, she was going to sleep on the sofa, but since some of my other apartmentmates had to get up at 7, I thought she wouldn't want to get woken up, so I offered her my bed, and I slept on the floor.

In the morning, we got up and talked about the situation again, how we felt about the conversation the night before, and what we were thinking now. Again, we were on the same page and we decided that we just wanted to stay friends. This was Friday morning.

Friday night we hung out late, and just had a great time. Saturday, I woke up and went to work. While at work, I thought to myself that it was really a good idea that we weren't dating. It was the first time that I really felt that way, but since I was already pleased being friends, I thought that perhaps there were more barriers that needed to come down before we started dating. I got home from work, and couldn't wait to tell Christi that.

I called her when I got home, and since some of the guys were going to Burger King, I offered to pick her up some food, knowing that she had been studying most of the day. She said yes, but that I'd only be able to stay for a short while because otherwise we'd talk all night. I said okay, and went to get the food. When I came back, I went to her room and we ate together and chatted for a little while. We started talking about our days, and I could tell there was something different about her. This was where it all started…

THE FIRST KISS

She told me that the night before, she had a dream of us at a train station. She was leaving, and we were saying goodbye. We hugged, and then I turned and walked away. Disappointed, she said to me, "hey, don't I get a kiss". I said to her in the dream, "I don't think we should". She agreed, and walked away, feeling, in her words, very disappointed. She even woke up with that same feeling of sadness that she had in the dream.

She told me this probably to hint to me that she wanted to kiss me and if I didn't want to she'd be very sad. I, however, being man, didn't pick up on this subtle but apparent hint, and so went on talking about my day. I told her that I thought it was great that we weren't dating, she wasn't ready, I wasn't ready, and this was right. Sometimes I sit back and think to myself "I'm an idiot". The truth is, if I had picked up on her hint, I probably wouldn't have said all that, but I'm dumb, so I missed it.

After I finished talking Christi just kept looking at me, as we sat there Indian style on her sofa facing each other. I don't remember how I started talking again, but I did. I said "Christi, if we are going to go out, you aren't going to be my girlfriend just when you are around, or just when we're together, or just when we're both at school. You are going to be my girlfriend when we're here or away, whether you're with me or away for the weekend. You are going to be my girlfriend 24-7, and I'm gonna love you ALL the time, not just some of the time".

Christi looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes and said, "How do I reply to that?" The truth was, I didn't know how. Somehow, she found a way. She told me what her mother had said, that "someday, one of the guys that you look at now will stand out of the pack, and that will be the one". She told me that I stood out of the pack. Out of all the guys she knew, I was way above the rest, and I was so far above them that it was apparent to her and she couldn't deny it anymore.

I was scared. I didn't know what to do, part of me was super excited, and part of me was nervous that I was going to do something stupid. She looked at me with those eyes though, held my gaze, and wouldn't let me go. She said, "And suddenly, he becomes the most beautiful thing in the world."

I tried to look away, I was nervous, my emotions were going crazy. Trying to lighten the situation I said, "I knew this was going to happen, and I told myself that if it did, we were going to wait it out and see cause I said I wanted to pray before I kissed you". In the most beautiful way she possibly could of, Christi looked at me and said, "Well, quick pray then".

I laughed, but knew that if we did that, we'd only be praying so that we could kiss, and we'd rush a prayer that should be beautiful. I went on to tell her that I didn't know if I could trust her; a relationship was a big commitment. Then it happened. She lifted my eyes up to hers, gazed into mine, and as tears welled up she said, "Trust me." Trust her! But I didn't know if I could! Would I get hurt again? What would I do?

I looked at her beautiful eyes, and with all the strength that I had left I said, "I don’t know if I can". Undauntedly, she again found my eyes and said to me in the sweetest tone I've ever heard: "then trust God." That I could do. I grabbed her face, pulled it close to mine and kissed her the most wonderful and amazing kiss I have ever had while Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" played in the background. My heart leaped for joy as I kissed this wonderful girl, holding her close to me, looking at her squarely as we sat knee to knee together sideways on the sofa. At that moment we prayed together, praying that God would be at the center of our relationship, and that he would bless us in all things. The Lord is good. To this day, I pray that God continues to be the center of our relationship, as he was that day long ago, November 13, 1999 when I first kissed my future wife.